Asserting Parental Authority Without Being Authoritative, Part I
Many of us hold a wistful view of parenting.
Back in the “good old days” childrearing was simple. Parents used an authoritative approach, and their kids would listen and comply. By contrast, today’s parents have it much harder, and must deal with a myriad of challenges that our parents never faced.
But that thinking, too, has its flaws. Until the 1960s, authoritarian parenting was the way to go. It started to fall out of favor as society became more democratic and respect for authority began to show signs of cracking.
The authoritarian approach failed because of the distance and negativity it creates between parent and child. Especially in today's day and age, children don't respond to that type of approach anymore. The idea that, “I told you so,” and “I'm stronger and more powerful than you,” has long stopped resonating.
Enter permissive parenting, a direct, reactionary outgrowth of children who chaffed at their parents’ heavy-handed approaches. This approach to parenting failed even more than its authoritarian predecessor because our children need us to be strong and clear, even while they’re arguing with and resisting us.
Kids in our broader society are experiencing a crisis of self-regulation. According to child development experts, nearly half of today’s children will develop a mood disorder, behavioral disorder or substance abuse problem by age 18. There are so many children who are struggling today because they lacked the parental figure in their life that they needed. They didn’t have that strong backbone that gave them guidance and direction and respect and courage and support.
Any “solution” to the authoritarian-permissive conundrum must factor in the fact that we must take a “long view” to parenting and understand that it’s not all about the corrective behaviors that will get us to a better place right now. We also want to be thinking about how to set our children on a path that they are going to embrace for the long term.
I propose that we can achieve this through a balance of education and influence.
On the educational side, I’d like to suggest three strategies:
Establishing family values.
Leading by example.
Setting boundaries.
The first piece is to establish family values.
When I was head of school, I worked with my admin team, teachers and faculty to establish a positive behavior program in our school that would promote a series of identified core values. The ones we chose were safe, friendly, respectful, and responsible. This was the way that we came to define who we were as people and the kind of behaviors we wanted to see in our school. The program allowed us to refer to any behavior as being consistent or inconsistent with the values that we established.
So, we asked, what does safety look like in the classroom, the bathroom, on the school bus, in the common grounds, and in the play area? What does respect and responsibility look like? We had the values. Then we applied them. And we were able to reinforce objectively, not subjectively because we had those values.
The same concept applies at home. Have a conversation with your children. Ask them, “what are the values that we want in our house?” They may reply, we want a house where we feel safe. We want a house where we feel respected. We want a house where we have open lines of communication. Those will look different in every home. When you have those values, you can then have conversation around it. You could reference it often and it becomes less personal. So, you educate them by the values you establish.
The second approach is to lead by example. You must walk the walk, not just talk the talk. If you want to be respected, be prepared to demonstrate respect. If you want your students to care, model what care looks and feels like.
If you want your children to do what you want them to do, you must model it for them.
The last one on the side of education, and this is the one we probably struggle with the most, is to set boundaries and rules. Children need both in order to grow up healthy and secure. And while we may want to gain our children’s love and admiration, being permissive is NOT the way to do so.
Instead, seek to be authoritative.
But when you communicate whatever rules you establish and however you frame that your children, remember to do with gentleness and with love as was communicated before. And always if you do have to rebuke, end on a positive note.
The next post will focus on the second necessary component for parental success, influence.