How to Speak to People Who Are Grieving the Loss of a Loved One
I recently returned from Israel, having spent the better part of a week with my father following the loss of his wife (my stepmother) of nearly five decades. After the initial shock of our loss, the mood changed from profound sadness to one of reflection, gratitude, positivity, and blessing.
In Jewish practice, the closest of kin spend a week in mourning (known as ‘shiva’). Mourners sit low to the ground, tear an outer garment, and reflect on their loss. Family and community members come to the home to offer comfort and positive reflections.
Grief is a profound, personal experience that can be incredibly difficult to navigate, both for those who are grieving and for those who wish to support them. Knowing how to speak to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one can make a significant difference in their healing process. Here are some guidelines to help you offer genuine, compassionate support.
Acknowledge their loss - Start by acknowledging the loss. Simple statements like "I am so sorry for your loss" can mean a lot. Acknowledgement shows that you recognize their pain and are there for them.
Listen more than you speak - One of the most valuable things you can offer is your presence. Let the grieving person lead the conversation. Be an active listener, offering nods, and verbal acknowledgements like "I understand" or "That must be really hard." This can provide a space for them to express their feelings without fear of judgement.
Avoid clichés and platitudes - Common phrases like "Everything happens for a reason" or "Time heals all wounds" can feel dismissive. These clichés often do more harm than good by minimizing the person's grief. Instead, offer heartfelt words that show you care, such as "I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you."
Offer specific help - General offers like "Let me know if you need anything" can be overwhelming for someone in grief. Instead, offer specific help. For example, "Can I bring you dinner on Wednesday?" Concrete offers are easier for the grieving person to accept and can relieve some of their immediate burdens.
Be patient and available - Grieving is a long process, and support is often most needed after the initial shock has passed and others have moved on. Check in regularly, even months after the loss. Simple messages like "I’m thinking of you" or "How are you doing today?" can mean a lot and show that you’re still there for them.
Respect their process - Everyone grieves differently. Some may want to talk about their loved one and share memories, while others may not. Respect their way of processing their loss. Don’t pressure them to talk or to "move on." Follow their lead and be supportive of their unique grieving process.
Share memories - If you knew the deceased, sharing positive memories can be comforting. It reassures the grieving person that their loved one will not be forgotten. Preface your sharing with sensitivity, ensuring they are open to hearing these stories.
Avoid giving advice - Unless you are asked, refrain from giving advice on how to handle grief. Statements like "You should go out more" or "You need to stay busy" can come across as insensitive. Instead, focus on being a supportive presence and providing a listening ear.
Be mindful of your own emotions - Supporting someone who is grieving can bring up your own emotions, especially if you also knew the deceased. It’s important to manage your feelings separately to avoid placing additional emotional burdens on the grieving person. Seek your own support network if needed.
Follow up - Grief can resurface on anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Mark these dates and reach out with a simple message of support. Knowing that others remember their loved one and care about their ongoing grief can be incredibly comforting.
Speaking to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one requires sensitivity, empathy, and patience. By acknowledging their loss, offering specific help, listening actively, and respecting their grieving process, you can provide meaningful support. Remember, your presence and willingness to be there for them through their journey of grief can make all the difference.